weightlessness

there is to be no such thing as
weightlessness within the world,
this is what we are taught.
but it's as though sometimes, often
all of Newton's Laws
cannot begin to hold me down,
no gravity, no inertia,
no physics to this love.

and you know
that feeling you get
when the elevator drops
your stomach turning
your feet floating
for a split second
you could fly

tell me, she thought,
someone tell me,
why is it that
a constant feeling
of weightlessness
overcomes all my senses
in longer periods
and shorter gaps?

she imagined that perhaps
one day
one day soon
her feet would not touch the ground
she would not weigh
a single pound
that day
she would simply
take a breath
and
float away.

--

I know that was incredibly silly, and nonsensical;
which is exactly how I feel right now.

I think I'd like to hold your hand,
x

not too interesting,

what is nothing?

nothing.
this is the answer to a multitude of questions;

what's wrong?
nothing, she says.
everything, she thinks.

nothing is the sound of ambulances at night
nothing is people drifting apart and slowly forgetting
nothing is the sound of goodbyes forever
nothing is broken hearts, broken souls.

nothing is anything that provokes a feeling so completely indescribable
and filled with emotion that you want to cry and cry and cry.

these things, they make up the 'nothing' of her answer.
'nothing' is just a word that extends to all those things you cannot bear to name.
'nothing' does not exist - there's always something, you know?

sometimes, when she is on the verge of spilling everything,
filling the room with her secrets, her fears, her tears,
she replaces it with
nothing.

nothing, nothing at all.

--

I'm so sorry, I know I haven't been posting;
my friend has stayed over the past few nights,
it's been nice.

Thankyou again for the wonderful comments and emails.
your support has been so overwhelming,
I am incredibly undeserving,
I love you all!

x

polaroids and lace

hey lovelies!
How have you all been?
I've been feeling really nostalgic lately,
and have begun a new scrapbook,
as well as turning my old photos into polaroids.
You can look at more, on my flickr,
they're not very good, though!



Sorry this is such a short post;
everything is changing very quickly around me at the moment,
sometimes it's hard to hold on to myself,
and that's why this weekend,
(in the midst of going out
and seeing everyone again)
I've begun to compile my memories,
entrapped in ribbons, lace and glitter,
so that it won't be that easy to forget.

Thankyou so much for your emails, lovely ones,
they are filled with hope and trust and beauty
and they are beyond lovely!
lets.flyawaynow@live.com.au

All my love to you,
x

inbetween everything.

hello lovelies!
I know I haven't been posting;
the last few days of school have left me nostalgic
and I've been doing all I can to keep moving,
so that maybe the past won't catch up,
and nothing will hurt.
I cried a lot, today,
after everyone left.

I walked home in the rain
and I really didn't mind,
it wasn't heavy, just cold,
numbing, almost.
It was nice.
Today was nice.
I still cried, though.

I feel like I miss everyone so much,
and when we come back, everything will be different.
It's scary and so exciting.
I guess I seem incredibly mad,
because it's not even been 1 hour
since I came home.

The rain is nice, I feel like it's washing everything away,
I like new starts, but I want to keep old stories from ending.

Sorry, I don't make sense.
I promise for much more lovelier posts this summer holiday!

Right now, I feel like I'm caught in between
the ending and the beginning of something beautiful.
I'm moving forward, but not so quickly.
I need this weekend, I just do.
I might edit this post and add photos of our last days,
so stay tuned, lovelies.

I love you, I love you, I do.
x

healing slowly

Hey, lovely ones.
How have you all been?
I feel tired, but that's nothing new!
And it's not a bad kind of tired,
it's like I'm so tired and happy and hopeful.
So I do apologise in advance for my nonsense!

(Thankyou, by the way, for your comments and emails are so lovely
and fill me with the utmost joy!

I'm visiting universities all today and tomorrow, should be fun!)

I thought I'd post four of the current songs I'm listening to;
and describe to you what they make me remember/think of.
It's nice, it's a nice way to remember,
not at all alarming or shocking or too confronting.
It's like the easy way to heal
and let the words speak for themselves.

so, here it is;
how my mind works when i listen to these songs
and the thoughts that form over and over.
sometimes, it's so hard to explain, but so easy to feel;
but this is my attempt to explain.

samson - Regina Spektor
reminds me of the moment when i fell the hardest
the first and not the last time i felt the fear run through me
of having to grow up too fast, reminding myself to be careful
because i could get so caught up in all my dreams
i must stop and watch the traffic go by.
reminds me of porch swings and wooden chairs by the living room
that face out to the prettiest part of the world,
reminds me of running too fast on the beach and then stopping,
the sand slipping beneath my feet, and i can't find my way up again.
something lost and beautiful and hopeful.

casimir pulaski day - Sufjan Stevens
i remember the kitchen table and the curtains drawn
the light too bright and too overwhelming as it poured in to my world
i remember the phone call and hearing sorry, i'm so sorry
hearing the fear panic pain and sorrow
i remember the moment after realising she was still there
it hurt it hurt it hurt but it was so so so relieving
it hurt it hurt it hurt when i heard the words attempted suicide
they hurt they hurt they hurt they hurt
why did they hurt, tell me, they were but words.
i remember holding her hand, not eating for days on end,
just praying that she'd be okay, please be okay
wake up wake up wake up, why won't you wake up?
i remember being 12, the day before,
i remember growing up in that time, that moment,
it all aged me, it all aged me and i had to grow up so fast.
i remember knowing that from here on now it would be me
to have to tell everyone that everything would be okay.
i know some secrets that make me fall, that shake me to the bone.

lua - Bright Eyes
it brings back those afternoons spent
lying in the middle of nowhere
when the music could take me somewhere new and easy
it brings back those late nights spent waiting
waiting by the window
for his car to drive up
for the blood to fill my cheeks and the tears to fill my eyes
waiting for the right amount of heartbeats
before racing to the door
and bursting bursting bursting.
with the words, i missed you, dad,
the pain and tears of all the past months could heal
when everyone would smile again, and i didn't have to pretend
pretend to be okay and allright and as though i could hold us together,
because i couldn't, i couldn't, i couldn't;
it really wasn't that simple.
the pain could heal and the tears could flow
before all of it started again, and the waiting would commence,
come home, please, come home soon.
it's not simple, it's not simple at all.

hero - Regina Spektor
i imagine myself as to be the hero who doesn't need to be saved
and it brings back countless nights where tears would accompany sleep
with my heart telling me it would be all right,
and me, believing, always believing, and falling into my dreams.
this song makes me hurt so much but it makes me feel so much stronger
yet so much more vulnerable
as though someone could crush me from the inside out
i would fall back into myself,
thin arms and legs and limbs curling into nothing, nothing at all.
'i'm the hero of the story, i don't need to be saved'.
sometimes i have to save myself,
sometimes i have to save myself, but that doesn't mean that i do.

I hope you've not been bored to death!
I promise far more interesting posts this summer :)
I just felt like I needed to post this, for myself.
Sorry.

I love you,
I love you,
I love you.

x

a sort of (beautiful) hopeful

she lay against the door,
listening to bright eyes
on the bathroom floor.
she felt tiny and fragile,
but with the mirror filled with fog,
she could pretend to be some sort of
beautiful,
beautiful being.

"when everything is lonely
I can be my own best friend,
You're looking skinny like a model,
with your eyes all painted black."

humming along to the words,
she left her handprints upon the glass
and traced hearts upon the water;
secret love letters,
hopes and dreams
fading away with her.

"we might die from medication,
but we sure did kill all the pain,
and what was so simple in the evening
by the morning seems insane."

with her hair on the tiles,
and the lyrics of lua
filling the tiny room -
like the fog she so loved,
and as she watched it disappear,
she closed her eyes
and waited for the world to go by.

"because what is simple in the moonlight
by the morning never is:
it was so simple in the moonlight,
so simple in the moonlight."

x

words in my lungs

summer's here
it's a mixture of sunlight and nostalgia
sharing memories and making dreams
new starts and old stories
flyaway kisses goodbye and hello.

glitter on my cheeks
seasalt in my hair
our own kind of magic
filling the wind, the air.

with our hands held, breaths held,
it's not what we expected
but it feels so familiar.
nights and days and lives
all intertwined becoming one
we're young and in love.

--

I liked it when I was
young and ridiculous
and I'd try and catch the aeroplanes -
because through my childish perspective,
impossibilities were nonexistent.

I looked up;
they seemed so small,
my hands could have held them
and carried them along
to wherever they wanted to go.

and my fingers reaching,
not enough, never enough,
I'd catch the sky instead.

x

the love of flying

Bonjour lovelies!
I'm ecstatic to announce that
my exams are now over for the year :)

Thankyou so much for all the support,
comments, follows, awards and emails!
You are all unbelievably lovely, you know that right?!

I promise that I'll definitely be posting much more regularly!
I have so much to say, my thoughts need to be written somewhere,
for the past, the present and future;
and this, this is it.

I'm so utterly excited right now!
Straight after my last exam, today,
myself and my two dear friends caught the bus into town,
and it was so so so undescribably lovely!
We found something quite amazing;
silver and gold I ♥ Billy shoes from Miss Gladys' Sym Choon!
(My friend and I bought a silver pair, and then a gold pair,
and then we swapped so we have one of each, if that makes sense)
I quite love them :)
(I will introduce you sometime, promise!)
Also, we went to the Grand Opening of Globalise in Town,
and it has the most amazing brands!
Anyway, I'm not going to bore you too much,
I'm just so excitable right now, I'm prone to a case of rambling.

I'm going for a stroll with my puppydog, now!
I feel the need to stretch my legs and pop my iPod on shuffle,
to rediscover old favourites and feel things lovely and familiar.

How have you been?
I've been writing a lot lot lot this entire week,
but most of it is silly and not at all understandable (as usual!)
Do check out the blogs I've mentioned in my awards post!
p.s. wow, 50 comments on my last post, and 175 followers!
this is overwhelming and it makes me feel a bit lovely, and a lot happy; thankyou!
Tell me, tell me something that made you smile today!
Email me a story/secret/loveletter/dream/lovely concoction of words!
I love hearing from you all!

All my love,

x

overwhelming

overwhelming
like the feeling one gets
when she lies on her bed
with the curtains tied back
and 'hallelujah' playing
over and over

and the sun washes over her
and she closes her eyes;
every breath and beat
and every bit of her being
is filled
with memories and moments
that she had long forgotten how to remember.

over and over,
hallelujah, hallelujah,
and for once the tears
aren't accompanied
with clenched fists and bitten lips,
because for once,
she feels strong enough
to just cry and remember.

over and over,
hallelujah, hallelujah,
she began to feel as though
in some small, yet significant way,
she could be beautiful again.

x