renaissance

Dear hearts,
I am trying to return, attempting to transcend my current state into words.
My grandmother passed away since my last post, and what followed was a trip overseas for her funeral, anxiety attacks, heart palpitations, end of first term. I have had one week of term break, spent neglecting school work [regret, regret], and running from the heavy, heavy realisation that I have lost someone I love.  

'I am okay' and I will repeat that, stubborn mantra, childhood wish, until it is true.

Sometimes I just lie in bed and hear my heart beat; the bittersweet reassurance that I am still here. And I wait - beating back doubts and insecurities and overwhelming expectations from everyone I know - I seek comfort in the arms of Morpheus.

So, hello, I am alive.
I was struggling, perhaps I still am, but truthfully
I am too tired these days to put up a fight.

I need to remember all I have and all I know:
those I love, and where I'll go.

Love, always,

x

[The photograph was taken at a little local festival earlier in the season. There wasn't anything particularly meaningful about it at the time, I simply thought it to be pretty; But now, it's a paradise, a longing, a desire: for blue skies, bright lights, childhood magic...]